Let’s Have ‘Royal Idol’

So, some (still nameless) baby boy is now third in line to the British throne and one day could be head of the Commonwealth, commander in chief of our armed forces, inherit some of the best palaces in the country etc, etc…

I just don’t get it. How do we know if he’s going to be any good at the job?

I mean, what if this little boy turns out to be rubbish at diplomacy or a complete pacifist? What if he converts to Buddhism, doesn’t like flying or is allergic to garden parties? How will he fit in then?

My idea – which fits much better into this modern celeb-dominated world of ours – is to introduce the concept of ‘Royal Idol’!

It’s like democracy but better. We get Simon Cowell and Lord Sugar to host it. Anyone who fancies being the next monarch has to perform a variety of tasks in front of a live audience and demonstrate how they would handle being King or Queen.

We could start with public nominations in order to come up with a short list. Then maybe set a few conditions, like insisting candidates have to have already proved themselves in some area of public life. (Otherwise, we’ll end up with all kinds of silly nominations like ‘my mum/favourite dinner lady/football coach’ etc.)

The future King Terry I

The future King Terry I?

I’m thinking more of people like Discworld creator Sir Terry Pratchett for services to literature, looking cool and advocating euthanasia in such an intelligent fashion.

Plus he’s already got a knighthood so that must make him respectable. King Terry… sounds good, huh?

Or how about Olympic gold medallist Nicola Adams. Imagine having a woman boxer as Queen! She’s got a wonderful smile and bubbles with enthusiasm. She’d look great on our stamps and I reckon she’d make a charming host at all those Buckingham Palace garden parties.

Plus she could turn round to people like Robert Mugabe and tell him he’s a thuggish despot without running the risk of being called a racist.

Or could it be Queen Nicola of the Golden Gloves?

Could it be Queen Nicola of the Golden Gloves?

Of course, if we’re going to be really radical, we could open the contest to all the citizens of the Commonwealth and make the monarchy really inclusive and multicultural. (Sorry, no Americans allowed: you threw your toys out of the pram a few centuries ago when you decided to get all republican on us.)

I’ve had a bit of a soft spot for (crush on) Freida Pinto since Danny Boyle bought us Slumdog Millionaire. 

Or are there any votes for Queen Frieda?

Or are there any votes for Queen Frieda?

Just think how good it would be for international relations and world harmony if we expanded the Royal Idol franchise to include all Commonwealth citizens – the TV ratings would be HUGE!

Of course, getting a line-up of eligible celebs would only be the first stage. Then we’d have to put them through their paces. What kind of tasks would we need? So many options…

To make it interesting, though, we could go old school. At the end of each round of the contest, the candidate with the least votes from the TV viewers gets beheaded! (Or at the very least imprisoned in the Tower of London.)

This is only some early thoughts but I think this is a much more logical way to go. Any more suggestions?

Oh yeah… Thin Ice is free on Kindle for the rest of today if anyone wants to download a copy of my ‘crime thriller with a paranormal twist’. For the link to Amazon, click here.

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